Happy Holidays...5 WEEKS TO GO!

We have so many things to be thankful for this holiday season. Our little blessing will be making her appearance soon and we are anxiously preparing for her arrival. I can start saying any day now when people ask when I am due. So insane to think of her when she was this size:

And now she looks like this:

Pretty soon we will be able to hold her and experience her life on the outside. Jordan keeps telling me he calls dibs for the first day. So if you are planning to come visit...just know daddy already called dibs. : ) 

Anyway...I am feeling great. I really don't have much to complain about other than the fact that she is growing and running out of room and kicking doesn't feel as good as it used to. But I feel so full of life and excited and blessed. We have gone through so much to get here and the day is coming soon. 

We have had 2 baby showers already and have gotten so much from those. We are so thankful for our friends that love us so much to throw the shower and go through the hassle of it all and we are just very thankful for each of them. 

We are pretty prepared for little girl for the most part...although Jordan continues to tell me we still have to install the car seats and pack a hospital bag. I totally forgot about all of that. But it is precious seeing him bounce into DAD mode. Can't wait for him to hold our baby girl for the first time. 5 MORE WEEKS!!

Sinking Deep...

Has anyone heard this song by Hillsong United?! So powerful! I encourage you to go listen to it asap!

Today I have had that song on repeat. It's been one of the darkest days I've experienced in awhile. Started off great! Woke up and laid in bed watching my stomach jiggle because little girl was having yet another dance party. I love it when she does that. I sit there amazed that God has chosen me to be this girls mother. I've never met her but I love her so deeply already! Pregnancy is such an amazing experience. I pray one day everyone can experience this. 

As the day went on...it got ugly. Started having stomach issues. I can get passed that. But then Coby, our 80 pound chocolate lab decided to go on a candy binge. Ate a whole bag of candy corn. It's the season right. WRONG!!! About an hour later I walk into our bedroom to a pile of orange and purple vomit! Did I mention dog vomit is the one thing to get this prego to vomit herself!? I get up the courage to clean it up. It's pretty much a lost cause because our carpet is basically white and nothing come out of it. I do another load of laundry because apparently 3 loads last night wasn't enough. Walk back in the room to another pile of puke. Seriously dog?! I hope you learned your lesson! I'm sure he was like I hope you learned to not leave candy in my reach again lady! I cleaned that mess up and didn't vomit. I can do this right. Surely Emersyn will one day have poop up to her eyeballs...God is just preparing me. 

I proceed to finish getting ready to head to work and walk down the hall. Another pile of puke...look down the stairs...2 more things of puke. I'm genuinely starting to get concerned for my dog at this point. But the vet said those aren't poisonous and he probably just has very bad stomach ache. That'll teach him I guess. After, praying to the good Lord for some mercy and help to get me through this cleaning...I clean and clean. I wouldn't worry so much except for the fact we have guests coming in less then two weeks. I can't have bright colored stains everywhere. The carpet cleaner can only work so much magic. I clean up the messes and tell myself the day can only go up from here.

I jump in my car and call my husband to tell him to check on Coby when he gets home to make sure he's ok. As I am driving this guy decides he wants over when I am right next to him. I lay on the horn and swerve as far as I without hitting the barrier on my left side. I was still on the phone with J at this point and think I must have hit my emotional peak because I lost it. Couldn't talk lost it. Ugly cry lost it. But I got off the phone and just turned on the praise and worship. I have so much to be thankful for. I can not and will not let this ruin me. It really was a personal attack from satan. All I wanted to do was cuss. I mean F bomb cuss...if you know me...you know I mean business when it comes to that.

All in all, my day still go worse. I got hungry to the point I cried...pretty sad right. Then I jumped on my gmail page and noticed that a girl we were close with had added me to her google circle before passing away last week. I lost it again. Just seeing her face has brought me to tears as I sit here and write this. But also as I write this...I think of her. She always lit up a room! This girl was 18 years old. Battled cancer pretty much her whole life. She kicked cancers butt a few times...and here I sit...crying about having to clean up puke and getting run off the road and surviving and being so hungry that I cried. I began to smile. I am blessed. I was able to go to high school. I was able to date on a regular basis. I was able to live without restrictions. Missy couldn't do that. But I honestly never really heard that girl complain about the life she was given. Its the cards she was dealt. It didn't consume her! The Lord has an amazing partner in crime up there in  Heaven. That girl was a fighter. I know she is with her Prince now in Heaven. She was always defeating Satan. So today I fight with Missy and for her. Even though we weren't the closest people on the planet...I still loved her and the person she was very much. Her and her sister both were AND ARE incredible people. So, today, I will "try" not to cry another tear that isn't a happy tear. I will be grateful for the bumps I hit because I am thankful to be here, I am thankful to be married to a great man, I am thankful for my unborn child, and for my family and friends and I am thankful to be forgiven and loved by an amazing Father!

By the way...short update...Emersyn is happy and healthy and kicking like crazy every day. Can't wait to meet this little blessing!

It's a GIRL and Things are getting real

We haven't posted in awhile but I'll bring everyone  up to speed. We are having a little girl due January 17th of 2015. I wanted a boy...I actually think during the ultrasound I was willing a penis into existence but I was wrong. A little girl! What the heck am I going to do with a girl? Well, shopping of course. And shopping is what we did. We experienced our first shopping trip for our family addition. I pretty much screamed at every cute outfit we found. It didn't take long for us to realize we were going to be broke if we didn't put stuff back. I don't know how Jordan was feeling but I was starting to see real life right before my eyes. I stayed awake that night just praying to God that I would be a great mother to her. Luckily, I have been surrounded by great mothers...my mom, my granny, my sister in law...all great mothers...great mothers to girls at that. This should be a piece of cake. Haha.  I then immediately started having a slight panic attack. I was going to have to let this girl go one day. One day, she will head to school for the first time, or go to prom, or head to college, or heaven forbid get married when she's 40 or so! I saw her life flash before my eyes and she's not even born yet. So after breathing into a paper bag for a few hours I caught my breath. God would have never made this happen if He didn't think I could be a good parent. This is a gift...not a burden. And this is pretty much the best gift I could have received from the Good Lord other then my husband.

After the initial excitement of having a little girl started wearing off, we had to start preparing our lives for this. We were slowly going to have to start thinking about a nursery, car seats, clothes, bottles, and the whole birthing process we wanted to have. I have never felt more overwhelmed. But in that overwhelming moment...God keeps speaking to me. You are going to be fine. I am in you! You got this.

 We made our first big purchase other then clothes for little miss. My friend Tawny has introduced me to the world of consignment. And boy is it amazing. We bought our entire travel system we have been wanting, in the exact color we wanted, from a big consignment sale this weekend. Saved probably close to $350. Walking out the door with that thing really hit me. In a few short months, a little human will be in that thing. Our little gift from God. OUR LITTLE GIRL! Another real moment in time. I still look at it and imagine how our lives are fixing to be rocked...big time! But praise the Lord for this gift!

Many couples struggle with infertility. And I love how this blog helps connect me with people who are losing hope or who have been in my shoes.  Until next time....Many blessings friends!!

Prayers answered, Miracles happening, and Dreams coming true...

My life has been a little crazy for awhile so I apologize for not updating. But let me catch you up so everyone can be on the same page.
   May 8th-Jordan had caught the stomach bug from someone at work and had been miserable for a few days. I, being the awesome wife I am, was taking care of him every day to make sure he made a quick recovery. Well, this morning, I woke up feeling nauseous. Like hit by a bus nauseated. As I headed into work, I decided to make sure I wasn't pregnant so I swung by Walgreens to pick up some pregnancy tests. I knew I wasn't pregnant. This month was really rough at our fertility appointments and our window was so small compared to other times since I ovulated later then normal. I prepared myself for a negative result. But every time I pee on the stick, I always say a little prayer. So I did that in the bathroom of Panera Bread in the afternoon while waiting for my mac and cheese. I did my business and waited my time. I didn't even really want to look. I wanted to just throw it in the trash and go hoover my mac and cheese. But boy am I glad I waited. There it was, the tiniest little faint positive. Holy crap!! I had a momentary freak out then closed my eyes and prayed. I immediately called Jordan...
 
   "Hello?"
   "Hey, you busy?"
   "I'm just eating lunch with the boys...whats up?"
   "Well, I don't think I caught your stomach bug."
   "What? Seriously?"

It was a really cute conversation but short. Next I called my sister in law Lauren. As soon as she answered I started balling. I was terrified at the same time. This whole thing had been an emotional roller coaster for us. I was just so scared God would take another one away from us. She reminded me that He doesn't take them away to punish us for anything, more to protect us and the baby. It was exactly what I needed at that time.

The rest of my day was filled with going and getting blood work to determine my hcg levels and lots of waiting for those levels. But they came back positive. And so it begins!!!

May 10th- What a scary day? We were having a great sunday and getting ready for our church small group when I felt a gush of something. I go to the bathroom and my fears had come true. Blood...lots of it. We rush to the hospital immediately. I knew it. Our journey was over. Another miscarriage at 5 weeks. Why does this keep happening? I just remember praying for the safety of the baby. I was ok with God taking another one if it meant the baby was safe. I had already decided it was a miscarriage before getting to the hospital. I put on my normal happy face and tried to smile as much as possible as the nurses and doctors rushed to take my blood and everything. About an hour and a half later, the doc came in and said the words I never thought I would hear..."well, your levels are still rising which is a good sign. But since you are so early in pregnancy, it may be too early to see anything on an ultrasound, but we will look just to see and then check to see if your cervix is still closed." Wow...ok God...I am listening. Don't close a door until its actually closed stupid!! After a 7 hour ER trip...we left with a threatened miscarriage and pelvic rest.  God is still good!

Every week from that day, I had days with bleeding. As terrifying as it is, the baby kept growing.

May 27th- By far the best day we have had in awhile. Despite all of the fear and dark clouds surrounding us...we got to see the cutest little embryo with the cutest little flutter of the heart! PRAISE THE LORD!

July 10th- We had our first appointment with our OBGYN today. I love her. She seems awesome and right on board with me being super careful about everything. She knows I am having slight anxiety with the bleeding that happens so she will see me every 4 weeks to keep me calm. I love that!! We head to our ultrasound. They are checking the baby for birth defects like down syndrome and other trisomy birth defects. I am a nervous wreck but praying is helping.

Luckily our kid likes to show off already...I am pretty sure he/she gets that from me! As soon as the tech places the probe on my stomach, it starts bouncing and having a major dance party. I also noticed some ninja-like moves going on. But sadly ,like its mother, it stops doing what the tech needs it to do so he could get clear photos of the neck. Luckily the tech was able to see enough to think there is no risk for abnormalities thus far. Horray!!! We have been lucky enough to see the baby every 2 weeks since we were going through infertility, but now that we are farther along...we have to wait 4 more weeks! I don't know how I will do it but its got to be done. All I know is...I can't stop crying! God is knitting this precious little miracle child inside of me. And this baby is nothing short of a miracle. Hopefully this journey just continues to get better and better. But we will leave you with this...

Never give up on God.

Waiting rooms

   It's always awkward silence in waiting rooms. This is my favorite place to pray. I know...weirdo! But I just do it. There are many people in here and they are all going through something, whether it's good or bad. Most of the women in here are either pregnant or going through something similar as we are.  Every month I spend hours in waiting rooms while going through infertility. And I just pray! Not only for myself but for those around me. I may not know them but they could be going through something so hard. But I would never know but The Lord does. So next time you are in an awkward place, just pray.
    This month's visit was very trying. I was reminded just how out of control I am of this situation. I normally go in on day 14 of my cycle and get my "fun" ultrasound and then get a trigger shot if my eggs seem to be big enough and healthy. I have always been in a good spot so I never had a bad egg so far. But this time was different. The whole visit was just not fun. To start with, I was in a different imaging clinic. When you are going through something as sensitive as we are, you become attached to those you know. I have gone to the same imaging clinic (right across the hall from my dr), had the same  ultrasound tech, and same faces at the front desk. They know my face. Well, this one didn't! The ultrasound tech was very nice...but very rough! I was in a lot of pain which was out of the norm for me. So I proceed to my follow up with my dr and my egg seemed good (18mm) but he was worried that I was ovulating later than expected with the trigger shot. So he wanted me to give it a few days and come back on monday for another ultrasound. What!? What if I ovulate? Will it be a missed opportunity? I was just easily reminded that God is in control. Maybe not easily. I actually cried numerous times all day and just sobbed while talking to my mom. Sometimes a girl just needs her mommy! anyway...I could hear him telling me just to chill out. I think He may have said "I got this"!  Yea, you are right. I can't control this. After all, He is the only one that can truly make a baby happen...right?
    Fast forward to Sunday. A great service by the wonderful Pastor Pete Wilson. We are starting a new series called "When Pigs Fly". Man was that a slap in the face. This sermon was about dreams and phases of dreams and Pastor spoke about David and how he became the King even though he wasn't the "image" of a king. God knew he could be. It went through the phases of dreams:
1.)Becoming Aware its a dream.
2.) Encounter opposition
3.) Endure difficulties
AND
4.) LEARN SURRENDER!
If that wasn't God speaking to me in that moment, then I don't know what it was. So this week I keep reminding myself I am not in control of this situation. And since I am not in control I need to surrender myself to the situation and leave it to God. LET GO, LET GOD!

One very bitter cold day!

Seriously! Freezing cold weather in the middle of April. What is God doing to us!? Just kidding. But today was a bitter cold day. There is just something about Spring that I love. It's not the constant sinus infections...it's Easter!! I absolutely love Easter. It is one of my favorite holidays. Every year I am reminded about Jordan and I's first date. I remember him coming to pick me up and I handed him a gift. I remember the amusement we both had when he opened Easter eggs and found that I had picked out every single red Sour Patch Kids in about 10 different packages. It was the beginning of our love story. But more than that it was the beginning of having Christ in our relationship. I love Easter more because of what we celebrate. But do we actually sit and reflect what we celebrate? God gave us His one and only son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price for all our sins. As I sit here and ponder that, I keep wondering the pain God must have felt that day. I don't have a child so I really can't put myself in His shoes...but just imagine. And then I think, if I had a child, could I let that child take its place on the cross, have nails hammered into its feet and hands, and a crown of thorns plunged into its head? Probably not!

   These past couple weeks has been a rough but great ones. I know...total oxy moron right? But I am seeing God everywhere. I've been in a dark place for awhile. Satan has been attacking me daily and I just try to drown him out in prayer or scripture or worship. It gets very challenging at times but I can't let him beat me. Last Thursday, my morning started out weird. My sister in law is a surrogate mother and she was due to have a C section on Friday morning. So I wake up Thursday morning and see posts on my Facebook that my sister was preparing for the baby's arrival. I figured she was just getting ready for the next day, but then I see a post that the baby had arrived. What!!?? Was it Friday already? I woke up dazed and excited. For those that don't know my sister in law...she was ready for that baby to come. She was ready to rip that baby out herself if I was being honest but she endured everything the whole time. She was the vision of grace for me that day. She did such a selfless thing and gave someone the most precious gift they could ever receive. I tried to imagine what the parents must have felt like. They finally got the most precious gift God could ever give. When I look at her or talk to her...I see an amazing women of God. She has been there to help me through my entire journey with Christ. She really challenges me in my faith and she helps keep me on track. I only hope and pray I can have the love for Christ and faith in Him she has one day. 

   My week this week started out crappy but I still saw God everywhere. My friends Tawny and Jeremy had the most precious baby boy, Jace, in January. I loved him from the first second I laid eyes on him. I have told you about Tawny in previous posts but long story short, she and I have both struggled in the baby area. She endured 3 miscarriages before getting pregnant with Jace. I wasn't an easy road for them for sure but in the end she tells me its all worth the heartache and  pain of all of this. I just hope she is right. Anyway...Jeremy text me on Sunday afternoon asking if I would come over to keep an eye on Jace while they rested. They had been up all night in the emergency room with him having some breathing issues. I gladly took their offer because, well, if you know me at all you know I never pass up a chance to get my hands on a baby...especially Jace. I head over there and start my duties. After a few hours of Tawny finally getting some sleep...she comes out and decides that they need to go back to the ER. His temp was still up and his breathing was horrible. We get to the ER and we are immediately taken back since he was there earlier that morning. We got back to a room and they decide he most likely has croup and that they would need to be admitted since his breathing was so bad but they were going to have to start an IV to make sure he was staying hydrated and they needed some blood for testing. I COULDN'T TAKE IT! I nearly passed out watching them poke at this little 3 month old. And he was screaming bloody murder. Tawny was a mess and I know I wasn't doing great myself. I nearly passed out watching this all happen. After she calmed Jace down we were able to talk a bit. We were both wondering what mothers that didn't have issues getting pregnant acted like in these situations. We both know we will never know. I mean a mothers love is a mothers love but there is something more precious about a struggle. Not saying people that struggle are better than ones that don't but the beauty of it is seeing God everywhere along the journey. We both know how hard of a journey it is but I think we both know God was there the whole journey for them. We also discussed how we thought getting pregnant would be the hardest struggle we have. But as we sat there looking at her precious little boy, with an IV in his head...we realized struggles are the journey. Not that we all welcome them with open arms but it doesn't get easier after the birth...so find God where you can.  I think we both in that moment realized how much of a blessing it was to have each other in each others lives. It's so amazing to see God's reasoning behind placing people in your life. I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am in this journey if it wasn't for her. Luckily, after a few days in the hospital, Jace came home today! He seems to be getting better which is another moment I saw God at work. It's funny how I find myself praying more in every struggle. 

   After these past few days, I am taking more time to reflect...not be resentful. I am trying to see God in every moment. I am enjoying my struggle and pray I will one day have a child of my own, but I still want to struggle somewhere just to know that God is there! Even on a bitter cold day in April, God will bring sunshine and heat at the perfect moment!

"My hope is based on a God who can do and will do the impossible."-Let Hope In

   There are many things in my life that I see as blessings. For starters, a forgiving and unrelenting God. I started my morning off being so angry. I was running late for class, I had been battling an earache so I haven't been sleeping well, and I could just feel the devil weighing on me. I literally got so mad because my printer kept getting jammed so I unhooked it and threw it across the room. All of this negativity just kept radiating over me. I had a major pity party. Poor Lexi...she is overwhelmed again. Poor Lexi...she overloaded herself again in school. Poor Poor Me!!! Why does God keep testing me? After composing myself (this took awhile) I was struck by a scripture. Isaiah 40:31-but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I was suddenly in a much brighter mood. I made myself my own little personal God moment.

   Another blessing is our church. Everything about our church is something I craved for a long time. But mostly I craved a pastor that I could understand and that could preach in a certain way to make me get it. We started going to Crosspoint in Nashville a little over a year ago. Our Pastor, Pete Wilson, is not only an amazing Pastor...but a great writer. I have now read every one of his books. The one that I love the most is Let Hope In. This book came out around the time where I started feeling like God were starting to hate me. Ok...maybe not hate me but I was feeling very challenged in my faith. We had been going through infertility for over a year at that point and I just needed to feel God again. I felt so far away from Him and he was almost no where to be seen. I started reading Let Hope In and POOF...there God was. My Savior! "You can't breathe out what you haven't breathed in. Breathe grace." My problem was I wasn't turning to my faith how I should have. Instead, I was turning away. God gave me grace. This whole time, He has been there. Holding my hand. Breathing in and out with me. GRACE! SANCTIFICATION! Amazing Love!
   "My hope is based on a God who can do and will do the impossible." The farther we get into this infertility, the closer we are growing to God. We are growing closer to our small group...we are so blessed to know each of them. It is simply amazing the people God has placed in our lives through this whole journey.