We are just trying to do what the good Lord has told us to do. Jordan and I have been happily married for over 3 years. We both have come from broken homes. We both have established that divorce is not an option. We have settled in to the ups and downs of marriage. Then you throw in the hurt, confusion, and sadness of infertility.
In the Fall of 2012 we were completely blindsided by the fact that we could possibly be infertile. I went in for an annual check up with the same feelings as always. It's going to be uncomfortable and then it will be over. But after discussing with the doctor my irregularity of my cycles, he decided we should maybe start trying for a family sooner than later. He told me he thought I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). What!? This guys crazy. I'm a normal human being, not a girl with an issue conceiving. After discussing the OBGYN, we decided that we could start trying for a baby slowly. After all, we weren't completely against having a baby, I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. But we were finally on track in life. Paying bills off, back in school to become a Physical Therapist, we have a house, and we both have great jobs. But we just figured I would be out of school and then we could have a family. God had other plans!
After 8 months on oral drugs, my OBGYN decided it was time for us to go to an infertility specialist. Wait!! What!? I'm 27, Jordan is 24. We can't possibly be infertile!! After many vials of blood, numerous ultrasounds, one surgical procedure, and countless hours spent at the specialist, Dr. Vasquez (the infertility doctor) told us that Jordan had low motility and my eggs were horrible. He said that the only way we could get pregnant were to go straight to in vitro fertilization (IVF). Sure Doc!! We have 15 grand sitting around to just throw into IVF. No problem!! Yea, not the case. We are still newlyweds (in my eyes)! I will never forget the pain I felt walking out of that office that day. It's over. We won't be having a baby any time soon. Yes, we didn't have plans to have a baby right away but that changed very quickly. Now all we wanted was a baby. We researched it constantly. We tried all the time. We were doing almost anything we could do to help with our issues. But IVF was not in the cards for us.
After talking for a few hours and crying and fighting and more crying, we decided to get a second opinion. We researched a few more doctors that took our insurance and that lead us to Dr. Lucas with Vanderbilt. We just transferred all of our previous records to him so he could give us his input on things. As we sat in the waiting room, I just remember praying to God repeatedly. "You are an awesome God. Redeemer. Gracious. Love so amazing. You are faithful. No one but You can see our future here." Finally, we were called back for analysis. The doctor said that he thought our numbers looked fine. He said Jordan's sperm analysis was perfect...and their lab grades really hard. And my eggs seemed fine. I would probably just need some help with ovulation. SAY WHAT!? As we left that day all we could do was cry tears of happiness and joy. God IS with us! He is here always!!
Lets fast forward a few months. We are going on a year and 3 months with nothing. No positive pregnancy tests. Not a little faint line...nothing. The weight of it all is just crashing down on both of us. Medical bills are piled by the refrigerator with thousands of dollars owed and we can only pay a little at a time. We are doing everything that doctor said to do. I have been on oral drugs and injections to aid in ovulation. My hormones are making both of us crazy. How much more are we going to go through before we get something? Are you hearing our prayers God? I can't feel you anywhere. Please Lord...HELP US!!
I get so tired of talking to people that have no clue what infertility means! I am constantly hearing, "It will happen when the timing is right." " It will happen when you least expect it." Don't think about it and it will happen." WHAT!? Clearly these people don't get infertility. I love all of them and I know they are just trying to calm me down but you can't just not think about it. It's like a disease. A cancer. Can you just quit thinking about it and have it go away!? No! Believe me, I get that most of the people that have said these things will read this blog post and I just want to make it clear...I love you all and appreciate your care. But just be more considerate of the situation. We are thousands of dollars in debt trying to have this happen. And we are constantly getting pregnancy and babies thrown in our face. Everywhere we go...baby bump. Every commercial...babies. Every time you look at facebook...another person is pregnant. Don't get me wrong...I am always happy for the people that are getting pregnant. But when will it be our turn? When will I get to see Jordan as a dad? When will I get to breastfeed a little gift from God? When will we get to announce our pregnancy to the world via Facebook with little shoes next to ours, or a sign saying bump ahead?
January 29th is a day I will never forget. I took a pregnancy test in the morning before work and it was negative. I was sure of it. I saw a very pink negative sign...there was a little faintness as a second line but I knew I was just imagining it. I go on with my day like normal. This just wasn't our month. Oh well...we will try again next month.
I got a text from my friend Tawny (we have both gone through miscarriages and infertility together over the past years and know exactly where we are both at in our cycles) asking when I was going to test for pregnancy. I proceeded to tell her what I got this morning. I said I had a very faint 2nd line but I told her I was probably just imagining it. She told me to go get another pregnancy test just to make sure. She had that happen with her pregnancies. I was thinking this girl is crazy. This wasn't our month. But to humor her, I go to Walgreens and get the generic pregnancy tests. Keep in mind a single pregnancy test runs around $7. Imagine how much you spend just on pregnancy tests a year. Ridiculous! I get back to the house and do my thing on my pee stick. The dye goes through and again theres a very faint positive. I started thinking...what are the odds two tests do that. I was like...I have been getting injected by hcG lately...maybe its just lingering a little longer. I take a picture and send it to her (yes...we are that good of friends to send each other pictures of our pee sticks). She texts back that its a positive. Whatever chick...clearly you are imagining things too. She proceeds to tell me to call my infertility specialist and get a blood draw to check. OK...this is starting to get real. After numerous anxious emails and calls...they schedule me for a blood draw the next day. Awesome...I definitely won't be sleeping tonight. I thought back in forth about telling Jordan but I just couldn't. I wanted to surprise him when I knew for sure it was really happening.
Somehow I managed to get a few hours of sleep and didn't slip on telling Jordan our news. I took another test and it was more clear than the day before. AHHHHH!! Could this be happening!? I go and get my blood drawn and anxiously wait for the results. After 2 hours they finally called (I knew I was before because I have nurse friends and they told me anything over a 5 was a positive). I was at a 57. Oh my goodness! I cried! I cried some more! I threw myself to my knees and thanked the Lord. It was all Him after all. We just get to do the fun part. He makes it happen. After composing myself and telling my few friends that knew that it was positive (I know...what wife tells her friends before her husband) and spending about an hour praying with my friend Hannah (thats not a joke) I did what every new expectant mother does...I go shopping. I wanted to tell Jordan in a cute way so I bought a shirt that had Daddy's Champ on it and loaded a bag with Sour Patch Kids and Baby Ruths (get it?). That night came and I told him and he was over the moon. We were over the moon. We were finally going to have our miracle.
It was amazing how quickly the pregnancy symptoms hit me. Fatigue more than anything...some nausea and peeing like crazy. But all in all...I felt uncontrollably happy. I was already ordering baby magazines and reading What to Expect When Expecting...and watching it too. I was starting to get into eating what was good for baby. I was working out on a regular basis (I was not going to be the pregnant blimp). Complete and utter happiness. We had set up our first appointment to hear the heartbeat and check on baby (Feb. 17th). We were doing this thing!
Friday February 7th, I was like every normal pregnant women experiencing the scariness of cramps during pregnancy. I was researching everything. But most of the research said cramps were normal as long as there was no bleeding. Ok...I didn't have any bleeding so I was good right!? I went to the restroom before leaving work and noticed the tiniest little spot of blood...but it wasn't much so I thought I was ok. I went home...made sure to elevate my feet. I probably was just overdoing myself with school and work. I didn't experience anymore bleeding that night. PHEW! I woke up the next morning and noticed there was a little more blood than the day before. I am starting to worry. But trusting in God that everything is ok and we are fine. Jordan, I, and baby Hyland are fine. I talked to Tawny and she said just to call the doctor just to be safe. She didn't think it was anything to worry about. OK so things are going to be fine. I called the doctor on call at Vanderbilt and he said just to come in to get checked out just to be on the safe side. I had a miscarriage before so I felt like this wasn't going to be one because I had a lot more blood with the last one. I go in to the ER and surprisingly got in quickly. I was still feeling pregnancy symptoms so I felt I was overreacting. They took blood and scheduled an ultrasound and I had to do another pee test to make sure I was still pregnant. One thing I love about Vanderbilt is A.) there always seems to be an interesting patient base there and B.) they post test results online. I was able to see my test results before the doctor came to tell me. My urine test came back negative (oh no) and my hcG had dropped below 25 (not again). I felt the life in me start to drain. I look at Jordan and a tear rolls down my cheek. "It's over!" I said. Jordan being the overly positive person he is says, "no it's not. I believe. " As much as I love him, I wanted to punch him. It's over. There is no saving a baby this early. Our miracle is gone.
The ultrasound confirmed our heartache. Nothing was there. But my uterus looked perfect for implantation the ultrasound tech told me. Wow...thanks! Clearly not! Something happened and it's over now. I was angry and upset. I couldn't even look at Jordan. As much as I want to be a mom...I wanted him to be a dad more. And now we wouldn't be seeing that anytime soon. God let me down. He let us down. Our faith through this whole experience had been the best it had ever been. Why would God give and take away? Why would He place this miracle in me and then just take it away in an instance? I was confused! And the heartache of a miscarriage stays with you forever. It never goes away. And now the one thing I knew was God made this miracle happen...and now it was taken away by Him.
Man was I wrong! God never punishes us. Things happen. Bad things happen all the time and we have no explanation why...but why blame God? I got home that afternoon and turned on the shower...I got in...as soon as I pulled the curtain...I lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably. My sister in law told me to drown myself in gospel. I turned on my churchin' playlist and the first song that came on was Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship.
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes,
To see that You're shaping my life.
All I am,
I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me.
All I am,
I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.
I may be weak, but
Your Spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will .
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.
I may be weak, but
Your Spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will.
MY FLESH MY FAIL...BUT MY GOD YOU NEVER WILL! I let the words sink in. Yes, I would still grieve. Who wouldn't? But I needed Him to get me through this. I NEED YOU TO PIERCE THROUGH THE DARK AND CLEANSE EVERY PART OF ME! I wouldn't let this beat me. Give me faith! This is faith! I cling to the cross!! This is what faith is about. Even in your darkest hour...you see HIM!
Our faith has never been stronger. We were able to start fresh this month which is great. I didn't have to have a DNC. Major blessing because we could have had to wait 3-6 months to heal. But we were able to start this month. We took the same route we did in January. I use Femara cycle days 3-7 and then go in for an ultrasound on day 14 and get my hcG shot to help ovulate, then we have fun for a few days and then wait. Then I start progestrone a few days later to help my lining. Its clockwork!
We wanted to start a blog for those that aren't familiar with whats going on or for those struggling like we are or for family to keep track of us. For those struggling...DON'T GIVE UP!! Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
It's just the easiest way to keep everyone in the loop. We love you all!
